For those of you that know me, you are most likely aware of the fact that I VASTLY expanded my mind during my time at UC Berkeley. The lifestyle was ridiculous, exhilarating, dark, mind blowing and nearly lethal (a few times). Ever since moving back to my hometown, it has been very difficult to acclimate to the different lifestyle. I love it in my hometown HOWEVER it has been a big change for me to go from having so much freedom to now constantly being under new rules & restrictions. It also has been hard because I have disappointed my family so much that they probably will never forgive me. Just the other day my family had an intervention with me in which they brought up several things they want me to change about myself. I can understand constructive criticism, but what bothered me was that the criticisms weren't behavioral problems. They were criticisms such as : "You get too excited when you talk sometimes and use your hands and it makes us uncomfortable" and "You look sickly. Your eating habits are irregular. You are not acting like a normal person. And you're so pale, you always look unhealthy. Get some color, some sun" and lastly, my dad told me "I can't believe you got a B when you should be getting A's. I don't care that only 2 people got A's and two got B's, you aren't trying hard enough. Your best just isn't cutting it." This was followed with my mom repeating several times how I have, hypothetically, repeatedly "Kicked my family in the teeth and then shit on them." And to think that I though things were getting better! Yikes! I guess I was wrong about that one! My family says that I have lost all my morals and values and now I am a shadow of who I once was. It hurts to hear that especially when I have been so happy with my progress and I am so relieved that I am in a much happier place mentally. Even if my close friends and family can't see the changes, I know deep down inside my soul that I have improved and I am in a much better place. It hurts me so much to have to think like this but I am at a loss of options. It just hurts too much to constantly be trying to please everyone else while neglecting my well-being. I am doing my best to find a fair balance between what I need for myself and what others need of me. SIDENOTE: this blog is an exaggeration of my true feelings. Blogs allow people to take on a new persona and allow the blogger to let all the pent up emotions and secrets out. It is an uplifting process like writing in a journal. Yes I can understand that others can read this SOOOOO I will be changing names to initials or nicknames from now on. I will no longer post anything that can get me into trouble or prevent me from getting a job. HOWEVER, I WILL NEVER SUPPRESS MY PAST OR DENY WHAT HAS SHAPED ME INTO THE PERSON THAT I AM TODAY. JUST AS I WILL NEVER DENY OR HIDE MY SEXUALITY, NETIHER WILL I DENY THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME. HOLDING ALL THE PAINFUL MEMORIES IN HAS NOT FARED WELL FOR ME IN THE PAST, LEADING TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPTS.
We are so sick of the drab, dull and boring people that are stuck in the valley. Paulina met a possible new addition to our dynamic duo... this boy that is in Betty Ford and is super cultured. I guess we shall see if he has true potential! Even though the lack of culture is a drag, the positive side of it is that we stand out amongst the lay people as sophisticated and tasteful. The average persons standards are SO LOW that we look like the skinniest most fashionable people in the WORLD to all the schleps in the valley. I guess there are some benefits to living here, but my heart tells me that my future truly belongs in the city... whether it's SF, LA, or NYC.
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