Boys, Boys, Boys and a Much Needed Explanation

I have had SUCH a hard time without my ex-boyfriend. He was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. He helped me through so much in so many ways... in fact, I actually owe him my life. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure I would even be here today. Having such a perfect amazing friend and lover for 8 months made it that much harder to leave one another when we both moved back home after college. Super sexy, great sex, a sense of humor, outgoing, great taste, sociable.... so many things that I fell in love with. It's been kinda hard... when I talk to him and hear that he is with his new boyfriend and how they spend SO MUCH time together and the great sex they have. It hurts me down to my soul sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. The best thing I can do for my ex is to support him in whatever he does and always make him know that he can talk to me about ANYTHING. I never want him to have to hold anything back from me for fear that I will get upset with what he says. Although I will probably never find someone as amazing as my ex, I recently met a great guy that has been super kind to me and has been providing some much needed 'love.' He is sooooo cute, great body, laidback, easy to talk to and great in bed. I know that he won't ever be able to provide me what my ex did, but at least it's something and it has been really helping me emotionally.


As for the much needed explanation, the readers of my blog need to know that past blog entries are supposed to be seen as snapshots of who I was at different points in my life. Yes, I have done some regrettable things and I posted about them in the past. But, there have been many changes in my life and I disagree with many of the things that I used to believe in. I have grown and learned so much since I was at my lowest, however I will NEVER EVER be able to forget the things that have shaped me into the man I am today. No matter how much ridicule people throw my way, no matter how many insults I receive, no matter what I will never forget my life. If you don't like it, then shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself cause I am a HUGE fan of the rule, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. But if you must say something, then say it to my face. Don't be a coward and talk behind other people's backs.

Also... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! feel free to send gifts to my home address. the strippers can be sent there too.

Birthday Tomorrow: 22

Tomorrow I am turning 22 . Unfotrunately, birthdays are always rather dreary occasions for me. For some reason, I always look at them as a reminder if how lonely I am... whether it's because of some of my actions/behavior or for other reasons. But tomorrow I am going to look on the bright side and try to use it as an opportunity to start a new beginning and repair the many things that are broken in my life.

I have dinner with the family and I hope it goes well.

On another note...a friend of mine has repeatedly told me of how alien technology and top secret future predictors have been scientifically proven and that he has read top secret reports proving their existence. I try to explain to him that it is VERY unlikely that an average citizen would have access to top secret knowledge that not even the smartest scientists are aware of. It's so frustrating trying to convince conspiracy theorists... arrgh ! One day I will teach him...

Readers' Comments

I thought I would take the time to respond to some of my readers' comments.

One reader asked, 'how can i CONSTRUCTIVELY criticize you for doing some of the abhorrent things you have done?" Well, first off, you should always make sure you know THE WHOLE STORY before you even THINK of criticizing someone else. If the anonymous reader ever wants to talk to me in person or leave me some contact info, I would love to share my life story with you.

As to the other reader that commented that they agree with my parents' obersvation that I look sick and need to eat more, I am saddened to hear that you are joining in on trying to cause me to develop an eating disorder. Just as you do not tell a fat persot that they are sickly looking and should eat less, it is TOTALLY inappropriate to say the same kind of thing to a skinny person. Nevertheless, I am happy with how I look and I eat whenever and whatever I want and that's how I like it. I'm am sorry that I don not fit your notion of what is an acceptable bodyweight:height ratio.

Anonymity gives hater, liars, cheats and fakes A LOT more courage

Haters, Fakes and Dumb Ass Bitches

It's so funny when people try to tell you off and have all this courage to tell you what's what, yet they are hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. GROW UP AND TALK TO ME IN PERSON OR CALL ME! It's so easy to criticize others especially when you don't have to hear the other person's side of it... but I am a fan of constructive DIALOGUE and I hope that anyone that wants to talk to me will talk to me as a friend, not an anonymous commenter.

NO ONE and i mean NO ONE knows what's inside my head or what I have had to go through, so for ANYONE to judge me or tell me 'what I'm doing wrong'... well, fuck that. Re-examine yourself and leave me the hell alone.

As for my TRUE FRIENDS that wanna talk to me in person or on the phone, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! I appreciate you never forgetting or abandoning me, especially when I have hit rock bottom. YOU GUYS WILL ALWAYS HAVE A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU AS WELL!!!

Life's Lessons

This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings. I have had so much hardship and gone through so much drama, but this blog has allowed me to spill my soul and finally let out all the pent up frustration I have been internalizing. However, be aware that not every post is going to be a lament about 'oh woe is me and my shitty life." The point of this blog is an outlet for me to share any thoughts that come into my fucked-up brain. Whether it be family/friend drama, an interesting scientific article, hot new fashion or politics, I will share my thoughts and feelings unabashedly.

Recently, my parents and sister read my blog and went psychotic when they read the content. Yes, I understand that some of the things I've done are difficult to talk about. Yes, I understand that many things that have happened to me are not what constitute a 'normal' life. Yes, I am aware that openly talking about myself (past & present) will upset many people. HOWEVER, I think it is preposterous to ask me to stop sharing my feelings and shutdown my only outlet that allows me to purge things that could otherwise lead to suicide. MY MAIN ADVICE TO PEOPLE THAT DO NOT ENJOY THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG: STOP READING THIS BLOG. My family's argument is that I am being selfish by writing this blog. They believe that I am being selfish because I did not think about how the blog content would affect them. I am selfish because I didn't think about how my family might get embarrassed by their friends if their friends found out they are related to me. Basically, I posted some things from my past and my family is worried that if people start reading my blog, that they (my family) will be humiliated when people being asking them questions about my history. My family doesn't want to have their image tarnished by my past and my mistakes.

If they have regrets about what I have done, imagine how much MORE regret I have. Do you think I wanted to overdose 3 times and get hospitalized? Do you think I enjoyed working the streets in my addiction? Do you think I wanted to have every aspect of my happiness, health and well-being flushed down the toilet? I have had a rough time improving my life from its lowest point, but I HAVE IMPROVED. I am not perfect and I know that I am FAR FROM IT, but it is always best to focus on the positive and focus on the things that I CAN change. I will never be able to erase my past. I can never take back the money I spent. But what I can do is try my hardest to make a life that I am proud of. And that is what I am working on now.

Another issue I want to bring up about my family is regarding the last time the 3 of them ganged up on me for a mini-intervention. There are several issues I want to point out to y'all so you can understand what I am dealing with:

- My mom began by telling me that she doesn't like it when I tell her stories and I get 'too excited.' She told me that it makes her uncomfortable when I get enthusiastic about a story and use hand gestures and talk a little bit more rapidly. Apparently, my story telling 'scares her' and my excitation immediately means I am on drugs.

- All 3 of them believe that I am unhealthy and that my eating habits and weight are abnormal (keep in mind that I am 6 foot tall and 150 lbs with a lean athletic build). I have always had serious body image issues, so to hear them telling me that I look disgusting and that I should be eating differently really upset me and made me self-conscious about my body. What is too thin? What is the ideal weight and according to whom? How many calories should I consume? What kinds of foods would be best? My philosophy about eating is that I eat WHENEVER I am hungry and I eat WHATEVER I WANT when I am hungry. I think it's wrong when little kids are forced to 'finish their plate' before they can leave the table. NO ONE SHOULD BE FORCED/COERCED INTO EATING THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO EAT. I am sorry that they are not happy with my body, but I am happy and proud with how I look and no one will take that away from me. They also told me that my skin color is 'sickly and pale' and that I should really get some sun. Silly me... I thought we lived in a nation where we "will not be judged by the color of our skin but by the content of our character."

- My sleeping patterns and how often I am at home have also become an issue of concern for my family. I recently adjusted my weekday sleep schedule (because of constant pressure from my dad) by making sure to be home by 12:30 ATLEAST on the nights that I have 9AM class the next day. That is a reasonable request (even though I don't agree with it) so I tried it out because this is their house, their rules. After trying to compromise though, my dad told me that he believes that 12;30 is still WAY TOO LATE. I am not a morning person AT ALL, so I usually try to sleep in as long as possible before I have to leave for class. I wake up at least 30 minutes before class. Apparently they are still EXTREMELY BOTHERED by my 'irregular sleeping and waking patterns.' To quote my mom and dad, "It is NOT NORMAL for people your age to stay up so late until 2 in the morning. It is NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY for you to wake up 30 minutes before class." They honestly believe that most 20 year-olds go to bed at 10 everynight and wake up at 7 in the morning to get the day started every day. I tried to tell them that I actually have a more regular sleep pattern than most people I know my age, but they refuse to believe me and dismiss my concerns cause I'm 'probably drugged out.'

- They also make me feel guilty for not having more friends, especially friends that are completely stable and have their lives 100% completely together. They blame this on me and my behavior. Little do they know, most 20 year-olds DO NOT HAVE THEIR LIVES ON THE RIGHT PATH YET! We are still learning, growing, experiencing and shaping our futures. There is no one out there that does not have problems. I will never be able to surround myself with perfect people BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. They point out that I have never been able to keep friends for very long because of my bad attitude and my lack of morals. I have always been VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS about meeting people and getting them to like me and having a certain number of friends to fall back on... so to hear all of that really hurt my feelings and made me feel pretty damn worthless as a human being.

If you notice, none of this is constructive criticism. They are not trying to give me guidelines on my character and my values... they are not extending their hand to help me along my path... they are not offering positive/constructive solutions... all I hear is criticism of my sleep patterns, weight, skin color and ability to make friends. These things HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BETTERING OUR FAMILY DYNAMIC! They complain that I should be making more of an effort to try to rekindle things with everyone... that I need to try harder to make my sibling relationship better... well I have a way to do that! Stop the destructive criticism especially regarding material things that have no bearing on improving my life. OF COURSE I can change my sleep patterns, my weight, my skin color and the number of friends I have... but that won't make me happy or help me to sort out my emotional issues. I have been trying really hard and the effort has really paid off. I am in such a different place now than when I was at college fucking up my life. If you haven't seen any change, then you need to open your eyes and re-evaluate the situation.

I am willing to compromise and discuss issues that are important, but the key word is compromise. An attack by 3 family members isn't the most conducive environment for bettering ones self. Dialogue and compromise... that's what I propose. After that, it's in gods hands.

To Clear Things Up a Little...

Some of the things I have said have gotten people VERY riled up. I guess that's a good thing in a way... it means people are paying attention to what I have to say! And i have heard what some of my readers have had to say as well...

I deleted a post and edited some other stuff to clear up a few things and clean up the site a little.

As to the person who texted me 'you have some fuckin nerve' last night, all i can say is that what I wrote in the post did not accurately reflect the point I was trying to make. I deleted it and regret my decision.

Krystyna, K-Dun, my Speshul Weshul Love of my Life is Returning!

I am heading to L.A. next weekend to visit my BFF K.D.! It's been waaaaaaay too long since I last saw her. K.D. is one of the sweetest, most honest, driven, loving, and compassionate people I have ever met. I can't wait to tell her "Jambo!" as soon as I see her!

One more important thing to know about K.D. is that through all my trials and tribulations, K.D. was THE ONLY friend that stood by me and held my hand through it all (K.L. too has been amazing always... I can't forget her...). My parents bash me for always investing all my time on one best friend and then getting hurt when I'm left with no one. And history has shown that they have been right for the most part...

But on a positive note, it will be amazing to see K.D. and give her a big hug! The ranting above wasn't to name names and talk shit, but Krystyna has stood out among the others as a really amazing person in my life that has never stopped being a true friend. I know I have been difficult in the past, but it means a lot to me that I will always have her in my life. I look forward to meeting other Krystyna's in my life and I'm pretty sure I have already found one... you know who you are, my little Babooshka

Mr. Rush Limbaugh, Please Give Me Your Secret to Unlimited Wealth & Oxycontin

I MUST know your secret Mr. Limbaugh... millions of listeners, millions of dollars, enormous amounts of influence and easy access to large amounts of Oxycontin. I really think you and I would get along well. I know you have to keep your sexuality on the 'straight-and-narrow' for all your conservative viewers, but deep down I know you need a little sugar... and I wouldn't mind you as my sugar daddy. I will need daily cash allowance, several credit cards and unlimited access to your pharmaceuticals, but other than that I promise I won't ask for too much! It will be our little secret...

But seriosuly... Rush Limbaugh influences American politics in such a profound manner. People love his ignorant rants and raves, like how he hopes that "everything Obama does fails, because when Obama fails America succeeds." Obama has done a MUCH better job at listening to the majority of the people and reaching across the aisle than Bush. Obama's intelligence level is several orders of magnitude larger than Bush. Obama is a better public speaker than Bush... Bush's command of the English language was laughable and an embarrassment to the great nation of America. Even if you hate black people and those with Muslim-sounding names, you gotta admit that Obama is rather intelligent. That is an undeniable fact.

It amazes me how twisted and wrong the conservative movement has become. Don't get me wrong, I understand wanting 'less government' and allowing the free market and competition to flow freely. However, to compare Obama to Hitler, to denounce his citizenship and his race, to denounce his supporters as raging idiot Nazi sympathizers... now that is just going too far.

As a nation, we need to find some way to get everyone involved and KEEPING them involved in the decades to come. I don't have any suggestions or solutions, but I do think that Obama has done a MUCH BETTER job of this compared to Bush... and as long as there are improvements, we are moving the correct direction.

Fashion Critics Destroy Lohan's New Ungaro Collection

Lindsay Lohan had so much potential but let it all go to waste by fucking her life up. Look up her poor excuse for a fashion ad... it's her Fornarina commercial
It looks like it's from an 80s AV club.

After Lohan was appointed creative director at Ungaro in 2007, the head designer Esteban Cortazar quit. Lohan used her 'creativity' at Ungaro to design skimpy dresses and risqué bra-tops that fall short of the Ungaro legacy. Get over your daddy issues honey and realize that you no longer have a career.

But if you start up a new show called "Lindsay Lohan's New BFF," please give me a call.

Sophisticated Drug Dealers in Haute Couture

For those of you that know me, you are most likely aware of the fact that I VASTLY expanded my mind during my time at UC Berkeley. The lifestyle was ridiculous, exhilarating, dark, mind blowing and nearly lethal (a few times). Ever since moving back to my hometown, it has been very difficult to acclimate to the different lifestyle. I love it in my hometown HOWEVER it has been a big change for me to go from having so much freedom to now constantly being under new rules & restrictions. It also has been hard because I have disappointed my family so much that they probably will never forgive me. Just the other day my family had an intervention with me in which they brought up several things they want me to change about myself. I can understand constructive criticism, but what bothered me was that the criticisms weren't behavioral problems. They were criticisms such as : "You get too excited when you talk sometimes and use your hands and it makes us uncomfortable" and "You look sickly. Your eating habits are irregular. You are not acting like a normal person. And you're so pale, you always look unhealthy. Get some color, some sun" and lastly, my dad told me "I can't believe you got a B when you should be getting A's. I don't care that only 2 people got A's and two got B's, you aren't trying hard enough. Your best just isn't cutting it." This was followed with my mom repeating several times how I have, hypothetically, repeatedly "Kicked my family in the teeth and then shit on them." And to think that I though things were getting better! Yikes! I guess I was wrong about that one! My family says that I have lost all my morals and values and now I am a shadow of who I once was. It hurts to hear that especially when I have been so happy with my progress and I am so relieved that I am in a much happier place mentally. Even if my close friends and family can't see the changes, I know deep down inside my soul that I have improved and I am in a much better place. It hurts me so much to have to think like this but I am at a loss of options. It just hurts too much to constantly be trying to please everyone else while neglecting my well-being. I am doing my best to find a fair balance between what I need for myself and what others need of me. SIDENOTE: this blog is an exaggeration of my true feelings. Blogs allow people to take on a new persona and allow the blogger to let all the pent up emotions and secrets out. It is an uplifting process like writing in a journal. Yes I can understand that others can read this SOOOOO I will be changing names to initials or nicknames from now on. I will no longer post anything that can get me into trouble or prevent me from getting a job. HOWEVER, I WILL NEVER SUPPRESS MY PAST OR DENY WHAT HAS SHAPED ME INTO THE PERSON THAT I AM TODAY. JUST AS I WILL NEVER DENY OR HIDE MY SEXUALITY, NETIHER WILL I DENY THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME. HOLDING ALL THE PAINFUL MEMORIES IN HAS NOT FARED WELL FOR ME IN THE PAST, LEADING TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPTS.

We are so sick of the drab, dull and boring people that are stuck in the valley. Paulina met a possible new addition to our dynamic duo... this boy that is in Betty Ford and is super cultured. I guess we shall see if he has true potential! Even though the lack of culture is a drag, the positive side of it is that we stand out amongst the lay people as sophisticated and tasteful. The average persons standards are SO LOW that we look like the skinniest most fashionable people in the WORLD to all the schleps in the valley. I guess there are some benefits to living here, but my heart tells me that my future truly belongs in the city... whether it's SF, LA, or NYC.

First Day of Cold... Time to Shop for Fall Fashion!

This website OAKNYC, shown to me by my partner in crime Babooshka, has some of the hottest stuff! I am changing my wardrobe up now that I finally lost the weight I needed to lose so now it's time for a change! Hopefully I can keep the pounds off despite the tendency to overeat in cold weather. Aren't these ACNE jeans hot? let me know what y'all think. COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT! That way my blog will start showing up on google searches if you link to it and comment on it. SHARE THIS SHIT WITH YOUR FRIENDS YO!

A New ME

I haven't updated in awhile, but I decided I really need to start up again. It's a great outlet for my creative energies (I'm awful at art, singing, dancing etc.) and it helps keep me busy. So what has changed, you ask? Well...

I'm living in my hometown, CA with the parents now
I'm working at a high end clothing store
I finished four years at college, but still don't have my degree in biology
I have had two boyfriends since I last blogged (one REALLY sucked the other was AMAZING...)
My new best friend is this amazing girl... you know who you are

College fucking changed my life forever. The things I experienced there will forever affect my outlook on life and the way I interact with the world around me. Drugs, sex, parties, the streets of S.F. ... everything has shaped who I am today in a very profound way. I am not proud of a lot of the things that I have done but I cannot deny them either. I will never be able to erase the past. I plan on blogging about everything that HAS HAPPENED as well as what IS HAPPENING now.

Today is my last day in Honolulu Hawaii and I can't wait to get home to see my girl and tomorrow I get to see this really cute boy and his friend. A new life awaits me in my hometown and I plan to live it up to the fullest. Tell your friends and share my link everywhere you possibly can. I just finished my coffee at starbucks so now I'm off to the gym to work on my body a little...