Life As I Know It

ASH STYMEST (my favorite model in the world)

Several updates on me:

1. The love of my life and I decided it's best if we don't see eachother anymore cause one of us would surely die if we got back together again. We know it for a fact. We have been close many times (ugh...getting arrested in Inglewood was a nightmare) and we have both accepted that our love will never fade but it's best for the both of us right now to maintain some distance... well, a lot of distance. We were the modern day Romeo and Juliet (mixed in with some Bonnie & Clyde). A dynamic duo that worked so well together that we would frequently know what each other were thinking and could read eachother's thoughts through our eyes alone. It's so amazing to have such a strong connection with someone like that atleast once in your life and I worry that I may never find someone like that again, but I know for a fact that her and I cannot continue the thing we once had. Everyone in both of our lives told us repeatedly that we were killing one another and that we were so bad for eachother but we just couldn't stop. We were addicted... to one another.

2. I have started a super intense diet and exercise routine to help lose as much fat/weight as possible. I know I'm already a decent weight but I definitely could stand to lose a few pounds and definitely some fat. I have been doing yoga nad running almost everyday for the last two weeks and I already see some great results. I just need to keep on the right track and eventually I will look like a Dior Homme model. A boy can dream can't he? Breakfast today was a few tablespoons of nonfat greek yogurt, lunch was a piece of chicken breast (that I didn't keep down...whoopsi!), and dinner tonight will hopefully be a few carrot sticks and maybe a salad and lots of water. Gotta shed that weight!!!

3. I have two jobs right now. I am working as crepe chef at the Irvine Spectrum and I am also working as a front desk person at an Urgent Care in Irvine. The Urgent Care is paying me about four more dollars per hour and I like it a lot better there. I would love to do both but the manager at the crepe place is kinda bitchy and won't let me have Saturdays off which is when the Urgent Care will be needing me every week. I am just gonna have to face the music and tell the crepe lady that I'm gonna have to quit if I can't have Saturdays off. That's the only way I'm gonna make this work. I want to do both, but it looks like I'm gonna have to make a choice for one over the other. Going from no jobs and being homeless to having to decide between two jobs. Wow...crazy... never thought I would actually have to turn down a job.

4. I have been clean from heroin for 44 days now. It's crazy how many things have been working out in my life since I got sober. I have been getting free accupuncture, free therapy, free psychiatry, I have two jobs, I have my family back in my life, and I will be getting certified as a lifeguard pretty soon (also for free). Yes, I am still homeless but I'm working my way out of the hole I dug for myself for so many years.

Love of my Life

For the past few years I have been absolutely enamored... infatuated with this girl. The only girl I have ever been with, the only one I have shared my complete soul with, the only one who makes me feel complete. Everybody seems to have an opinion about us but they don't know the passion and intensity we share for one another. I would give my life for this girl. I had to disappear from her life for awhile but now that I am talking to her, my love has been reinforced a million fold. It's like we never had time apart. I miss you and love you so so much girl. I'm so proud of you and know that we will be together soon enough... I can't wait.

Life After Jail, Rehab, and Sober Living

I know I haven't updated my blog in a long time and I am terribly sorry about that. So much has been going on that I haven't had much of a chance. Since I last wrote an entry, my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Some of the highlights include:

-Entering a domestic partnership with a disgusting, fat 65 year old man for money, drugs, a car, and a place to live
-Being put into the mental hospital a few times for attempted suicide and opiate detox
-Going to 2 rehabs and a sober living
-Getting arrested in Inglewood with my soulmate
-Overdosing 3 times
-Having white supremacists looking to kill me after I stole their drugs
-Being banned from my parents home after nodding off on heroin
-Living on the streets of Inglewood, Laguna Beach and Palm Springs

Can't keep me down though. I have made it through so much and I know that I am a stronger person today because of it. Now, unfortuneately, I'm at this horrid homeless shelter filled with fat, disgusting slobs that are out of their fucking minds. I don't belong here. I'm trying everything I can to get out but sometimes things take time.
I miss my best friend so so so so much but I'm glad to know that she's doing well and I can't wait for the day that we are re-united. She really completes my soul like no one else in my entire life has been able to do. I'm fasting for the next few days in her honor. I definitely could stand to lose a few pounds anyways. Getting a little chunky for sure. I weigh 155 today at 6' tall and would be so proud to lose about 15-20 lbs. Quod me nutrit, me destruit, as Angelina Jolie's tattoo says. I have been craving heroin like no other. Cures my appetite, makes me feel glamorous, and takes away all my concerns. i just need to get my own place first and save up a little money.
Well, I'm so glad to be writing again because it really helps me sort out all the craziness inside my head. I will let you know how my fast goes and will make sure to update my blog often.

P.S. That picture is from one of my favorite photographers Francesca Woodman who killed herself at 22

Boys, Boys, Boys and a Much Needed Explanation

I have had SUCH a hard time without my ex-boyfriend. He was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. He helped me through so much in so many ways... in fact, I actually owe him my life. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure I would even be here today. Having such a perfect amazing friend and lover for 8 months made it that much harder to leave one another when we both moved back home after college. Super sexy, great sex, a sense of humor, outgoing, great taste, sociable.... so many things that I fell in love with. It's been kinda hard... when I talk to him and hear that he is with his new boyfriend and how they spend SO MUCH time together and the great sex they have. It hurts me down to my soul sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. The best thing I can do for my ex is to support him in whatever he does and always make him know that he can talk to me about ANYTHING. I never want him to have to hold anything back from me for fear that I will get upset with what he says. Although I will probably never find someone as amazing as my ex, I recently met a great guy that has been super kind to me and has been providing some much needed 'love.' He is sooooo cute, great body, laidback, easy to talk to and great in bed. I know that he won't ever be able to provide me what my ex did, but at least it's something and it has been really helping me emotionally.


As for the much needed explanation, the readers of my blog need to know that past blog entries are supposed to be seen as snapshots of who I was at different points in my life. Yes, I have done some regrettable things and I posted about them in the past. But, there have been many changes in my life and I disagree with many of the things that I used to believe in. I have grown and learned so much since I was at my lowest, however I will NEVER EVER be able to forget the things that have shaped me into the man I am today. No matter how much ridicule people throw my way, no matter how many insults I receive, no matter what I will never forget my life. If you don't like it, then shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself cause I am a HUGE fan of the rule, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. But if you must say something, then say it to my face. Don't be a coward and talk behind other people's backs.

Also... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! feel free to send gifts to my home address. the strippers can be sent there too.

Birthday Tomorrow: 22

Tomorrow I am turning 22 . Unfotrunately, birthdays are always rather dreary occasions for me. For some reason, I always look at them as a reminder if how lonely I am... whether it's because of some of my actions/behavior or for other reasons. But tomorrow I am going to look on the bright side and try to use it as an opportunity to start a new beginning and repair the many things that are broken in my life.

I have dinner with the family and I hope it goes well.

On another note...a friend of mine has repeatedly told me of how alien technology and top secret future predictors have been scientifically proven and that he has read top secret reports proving their existence. I try to explain to him that it is VERY unlikely that an average citizen would have access to top secret knowledge that not even the smartest scientists are aware of. It's so frustrating trying to convince conspiracy theorists... arrgh ! One day I will teach him...

Readers' Comments

I thought I would take the time to respond to some of my readers' comments.

One reader asked, 'how can i CONSTRUCTIVELY criticize you for doing some of the abhorrent things you have done?" Well, first off, you should always make sure you know THE WHOLE STORY before you even THINK of criticizing someone else. If the anonymous reader ever wants to talk to me in person or leave me some contact info, I would love to share my life story with you.

As to the other reader that commented that they agree with my parents' obersvation that I look sick and need to eat more, I am saddened to hear that you are joining in on trying to cause me to develop an eating disorder. Just as you do not tell a fat persot that they are sickly looking and should eat less, it is TOTALLY inappropriate to say the same kind of thing to a skinny person. Nevertheless, I am happy with how I look and I eat whenever and whatever I want and that's how I like it. I'm am sorry that I don not fit your notion of what is an acceptable bodyweight:height ratio.

Anonymity gives hater, liars, cheats and fakes A LOT more courage

Haters, Fakes and Dumb Ass Bitches

It's so funny when people try to tell you off and have all this courage to tell you what's what, yet they are hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. GROW UP AND TALK TO ME IN PERSON OR CALL ME! It's so easy to criticize others especially when you don't have to hear the other person's side of it... but I am a fan of constructive DIALOGUE and I hope that anyone that wants to talk to me will talk to me as a friend, not an anonymous commenter.

NO ONE and i mean NO ONE knows what's inside my head or what I have had to go through, so for ANYONE to judge me or tell me 'what I'm doing wrong'... well, fuck that. Re-examine yourself and leave me the hell alone.

As for my TRUE FRIENDS that wanna talk to me in person or on the phone, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! I appreciate you never forgetting or abandoning me, especially when I have hit rock bottom. YOU GUYS WILL ALWAYS HAVE A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU AS WELL!!!