Getting Lucky in Kentucky

After my last post, i was able to get not one, but TWO jobs in orange county. one at a medical clinic and the other as a crepe chef. i finally thought i might be on the right track again but that tricky addiction snuck up on me again. After my first paycheck, I found myself on an Amtrak down to Mexico. I knew you needed an ID to get back across the border, but I really planned on dying while i was down there cause i couldn't stand the shame of coming back. Soon after crossing the border into Tijuana, I found a place to buy syringes and a dealer to buy some black tar heroin from. I bought myself a cheap hotel room that cost $5 for 5 hours and proceeded to shoot up as much as i wanted. After not having used for a VERY long time, I got that warm, caressing feeling washing over my body and all my fears disappeared... for that moment. It didn't matter that I was in a room with a dirty mattress on a filthy floor in a third world country. everything is ok when I have my fix in me. But soon the reality set in and i decided to go back to Orange County and make up some lie to the staff as to why I didn't come home on time and didn't answer my phone. I got back across the border without ID... I even brought a few syringes and some black tar heroin across the border without even getting stopped. Absolute insanity...

No one bought my story at the house. So they assigned a staff member to be at my side at all times until they decided what to do with me. They patted me down but they didnt realize that I always keep my rigs and my dope in my underpants under my balls! I also kept my spoon and lighter in there. So everytime I went to the bathroom or showered, i would quickly tie up and cook some up and get a shot in before they could say 'HOT DAMN!' It lasted a few days but finally I overdosed and they took me to the hospital where I was in treatment for 12 days. Bitches charged me $43,000. Thank god for good insurance! I couldn't last those 12 days though and the last 3 of my stay there I copped some heroin from a local dealer and got high in the rehab for 3 days. So they decided to send me to Kentucky from that rehab. I was at this amazing treatment place called the Bridge to Recovery for 90 days and it has saved my life. I have been clean for 113 days now. In 7 years of drugging, this is the longest I have ever been clean. I was a hope to die junkie, and today I am loving life. Well, for the most part... It is a CRAZY world out here in the South. With all the guns, camo, hunting, trailers and redneck republicans... but im getting used to it. It has made me appreciate California that much more.

Arrests, Overdoses, Rehabs, and Homelessness

I never really updated my blog when a lot of shit was going down in my life these last few months so I thought I would fill you all in on some of the major highlights.

In April, I tried to kill myself after living with this old man that I married for drugs and money. It was a super unhealthy relationship and I knew it but I was so addicted and I had no where else to go. Yeah I ahd a pretty decent life... a car, a million dolar home, free oxycontin, and lots of money and nice dinners, but I was so dead inside. EVeryday I wanted to die and had to do more nad more drugs in order to keep from killing myself. Little did I know that I was slowly killing myself anyways. One day I had two suicide attempts while I was living with him and he threatened to call the cops on me. I ended up in a 51-50 hold (extended into a 52-50 hold) out in Indio, California.

My first time going through there they tried detoxing me using Oxycontin. They were giving me like 4 80s a day along with a whole bunch of Klonopin. Basically I was in heaven. I had my friend come check me out and they actually gave me a prescription for Oxy and Pins and told me to continue my taper down. Yeah right... I totally abused the shit out of those pills. What was supposed to last me about one month was gone in a matter of days. Since I had nowhere to go and no money to buy more pills, I checked myself back into the mental hospital, told them what I did, and they 52-50'd me again and this time detoxed me with methadone.

From there I went to rehab out in Indian Wells. I did a 30 day stint there and went to there sober living out in Culver City. I lasted about two months but around July Fourth I got kicked out for smoking some weed and shooting morphine. They literally kicked me out to the streets. I moved in with this crazy anorexic addict girl for about two weeks but soon I wasn't able to stay there any longer either. From there, I went to Orange County and did the couch surfing thing for a good month or two before I ended up getting kicked out of every single one of my friend's places. I had no options left except to go to a homeless shelter. The night that I was supposed to go to the shelter, I ended up doing some acid, shooting up ativan, drinking, smoking some bud and meth and somehow woke up in the streets of santa monica with no way to get back to the homeless shelter that I was hoping to sleep at. I called my girlfriend and desperately asked her to pick me up cause I didn't know what to do. So she picked me up and brought some heroin and xanax and we ended up nodding off in her car near LAX.

The cops ended up waking us up and soon we were being aressted and taken to Lennnox jail in Inglewood. Good ol' Inglewood. She got released before I did and went back home so I was stuck out in the middle of Inglewood with just the clothes on my back, literally. I had no ID, no money, nothing. Luckily I was so loaded from when we got arrested that I didn't remember any of the three days that I spent in Lennox. I went straight to get foodstamps at the EBT office and thought that everything was godo now that I had some foodstamps. I really was thinking, 'Things could be worse.' But pretty soon I was stealing cans of dust off from CVS and had traded all of my foodstamps for crack. Now I was right back where I started the day I got out of jail nad had nowhere left to go. After begging for money at the 105 freeway exit for a few days, I finally gave in and decided to call my parents.

My dad picked me up grudgingly and brought me back to their house in Palm Desert. They reminded me every day that it was only gonna be a temporary thing and that I shouldn't plan on being in their house for very long. After a week of them deciding where to take me next and not coming up with any good ideas, I started sneaking out and doing heroin pretty much everyday. One night my dad caught me nodding off in the kitchen, drug tested me and I was kciked out the next day. They drove me to my heroin buddy's house and I had a few more days of getting high before she ended up taking me to the homeless shelter in Palm Springs. After two weeks there, I was back in rehab (thank god for insurance!) and I spent two months there (snuck out twice to do some G and smoke some meth). From rehab I was driven out to Orange County to where I now reside, the Friendship Shelter. It's basically a glorified homeless shelter.

When I got here though I immediately proceeded to slip back into my old ways and started getting high pretty much every day again. Meth, Oxy, Morphine, Xanax, Valium, G, whatever I could get my hands on I made sure to do as much as possible. Two overdoses later the staff finally figured out what the fuck I was doing and put me on some sever restrictions. I basically wasn't allowed to leave the house for about a month and today I'm still watched super closely, but atleast they let me get a job.

WHEW! So that's an update on what brought to where I am today.

Life As I Know It

ASH STYMEST (my favorite model in the world)

Several updates on me:

1. The love of my life and I decided it's best if we don't see eachother anymore cause one of us would surely die if we got back together again. We know it for a fact. We have been close many times (ugh...getting arrested in Inglewood was a nightmare) and we have both accepted that our love will never fade but it's best for the both of us right now to maintain some distance... well, a lot of distance. We were the modern day Romeo and Juliet (mixed in with some Bonnie & Clyde). A dynamic duo that worked so well together that we would frequently know what each other were thinking and could read eachother's thoughts through our eyes alone. It's so amazing to have such a strong connection with someone like that atleast once in your life and I worry that I may never find someone like that again, but I know for a fact that her and I cannot continue the thing we once had. Everyone in both of our lives told us repeatedly that we were killing one another and that we were so bad for eachother but we just couldn't stop. We were addicted... to one another.

2. I have started a super intense diet and exercise routine to help lose as much fat/weight as possible. I know I'm already a decent weight but I definitely could stand to lose a few pounds and definitely some fat. I have been doing yoga nad running almost everyday for the last two weeks and I already see some great results. I just need to keep on the right track and eventually I will look like a Dior Homme model. A boy can dream can't he? Breakfast today was a few tablespoons of nonfat greek yogurt, lunch was a piece of chicken breast (that I didn't keep down...whoopsi!), and dinner tonight will hopefully be a few carrot sticks and maybe a salad and lots of water. Gotta shed that weight!!!

3. I have two jobs right now. I am working as crepe chef at the Irvine Spectrum and I am also working as a front desk person at an Urgent Care in Irvine. The Urgent Care is paying me about four more dollars per hour and I like it a lot better there. I would love to do both but the manager at the crepe place is kinda bitchy and won't let me have Saturdays off which is when the Urgent Care will be needing me every week. I am just gonna have to face the music and tell the crepe lady that I'm gonna have to quit if I can't have Saturdays off. That's the only way I'm gonna make this work. I want to do both, but it looks like I'm gonna have to make a choice for one over the other. Going from no jobs and being homeless to having to decide between two jobs. Wow...crazy... never thought I would actually have to turn down a job.

4. I have been clean from heroin for 44 days now. It's crazy how many things have been working out in my life since I got sober. I have been getting free accupuncture, free therapy, free psychiatry, I have two jobs, I have my family back in my life, and I will be getting certified as a lifeguard pretty soon (also for free). Yes, I am still homeless but I'm working my way out of the hole I dug for myself for so many years.

Love of my Life

For the past few years I have been absolutely enamored... infatuated with this girl. The only girl I have ever been with, the only one I have shared my complete soul with, the only one who makes me feel complete. Everybody seems to have an opinion about us but they don't know the passion and intensity we share for one another. I would give my life for this girl. I had to disappear from her life for awhile but now that I am talking to her, my love has been reinforced a million fold. It's like we never had time apart. I miss you and love you so so much girl. I'm so proud of you and know that we will be together soon enough... I can't wait.

Life After Jail, Rehab, and Sober Living

I know I haven't updated my blog in a long time and I am terribly sorry about that. So much has been going on that I haven't had much of a chance. Since I last wrote an entry, my life has been turned upside down and inside out. Some of the highlights include:

-Entering a domestic partnership with a disgusting, fat 65 year old man for money, drugs, a car, and a place to live
-Being put into the mental hospital a few times for attempted suicide and opiate detox
-Going to 2 rehabs and a sober living
-Getting arrested in Inglewood with my soulmate
-Overdosing 3 times
-Having white supremacists looking to kill me after I stole their drugs
-Being banned from my parents home after nodding off on heroin
-Living on the streets of Inglewood, Laguna Beach and Palm Springs

Can't keep me down though. I have made it through so much and I know that I am a stronger person today because of it. Now, unfortuneately, I'm at this horrid homeless shelter filled with fat, disgusting slobs that are out of their fucking minds. I don't belong here. I'm trying everything I can to get out but sometimes things take time.
I miss my best friend so so so so much but I'm glad to know that she's doing well and I can't wait for the day that we are re-united. She really completes my soul like no one else in my entire life has been able to do. I'm fasting for the next few days in her honor. I definitely could stand to lose a few pounds anyways. Getting a little chunky for sure. I weigh 155 today at 6' tall and would be so proud to lose about 15-20 lbs. Quod me nutrit, me destruit, as Angelina Jolie's tattoo says. I have been craving heroin like no other. Cures my appetite, makes me feel glamorous, and takes away all my concerns. i just need to get my own place first and save up a little money.
Well, I'm so glad to be writing again because it really helps me sort out all the craziness inside my head. I will let you know how my fast goes and will make sure to update my blog often.

P.S. That picture is from one of my favorite photographers Francesca Woodman who killed herself at 22

Boys, Boys, Boys and a Much Needed Explanation

I have had SUCH a hard time without my ex-boyfriend. He was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. He helped me through so much in so many ways... in fact, I actually owe him my life. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure I would even be here today. Having such a perfect amazing friend and lover for 8 months made it that much harder to leave one another when we both moved back home after college. Super sexy, great sex, a sense of humor, outgoing, great taste, sociable.... so many things that I fell in love with. It's been kinda hard... when I talk to him and hear that he is with his new boyfriend and how they spend SO MUCH time together and the great sex they have. It hurts me down to my soul sometimes but I try not to let it get to me. The best thing I can do for my ex is to support him in whatever he does and always make him know that he can talk to me about ANYTHING. I never want him to have to hold anything back from me for fear that I will get upset with what he says. Although I will probably never find someone as amazing as my ex, I recently met a great guy that has been super kind to me and has been providing some much needed 'love.' He is sooooo cute, great body, laidback, easy to talk to and great in bed. I know that he won't ever be able to provide me what my ex did, but at least it's something and it has been really helping me emotionally.


As for the much needed explanation, the readers of my blog need to know that past blog entries are supposed to be seen as snapshots of who I was at different points in my life. Yes, I have done some regrettable things and I posted about them in the past. But, there have been many changes in my life and I disagree with many of the things that I used to believe in. I have grown and learned so much since I was at my lowest, however I will NEVER EVER be able to forget the things that have shaped me into the man I am today. No matter how much ridicule people throw my way, no matter how many insults I receive, no matter what I will never forget my life. If you don't like it, then shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself cause I am a HUGE fan of the rule, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. But if you must say something, then say it to my face. Don't be a coward and talk behind other people's backs.

Also... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! feel free to send gifts to my home address. the strippers can be sent there too.

Birthday Tomorrow: 22

Tomorrow I am turning 22 . Unfotrunately, birthdays are always rather dreary occasions for me. For some reason, I always look at them as a reminder if how lonely I am... whether it's because of some of my actions/behavior or for other reasons. But tomorrow I am going to look on the bright side and try to use it as an opportunity to start a new beginning and repair the many things that are broken in my life.

I have dinner with the family and I hope it goes well.

On another note...a friend of mine has repeatedly told me of how alien technology and top secret future predictors have been scientifically proven and that he has read top secret reports proving their existence. I try to explain to him that it is VERY unlikely that an average citizen would have access to top secret knowledge that not even the smartest scientists are aware of. It's so frustrating trying to convince conspiracy theorists... arrgh ! One day I will teach him...