This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings. I have had so much hardship and gone through so much drama, but this blog has allowed me to spill my soul and finally let out all the pent up frustration I have been internalizing. However, be aware that not every post is going to be a lament about 'oh woe is me and my shitty life." The point of this blog is an outlet for me to share any thoughts that come into my fucked-up brain. Whether it be family/friend drama, an interesting scientific article, hot new fashion or politics, I will share my thoughts and feelings unabashedly.
Recently, my parents and sister read my blog and went psychotic when they read the content. Yes, I understand that some of the things I've done are difficult to talk about. Yes, I understand that many things that have happened to me are not what constitute a 'normal' life. Yes, I am aware that openly talking about myself (past & present) will upset many people. HOWEVER, I think it is preposterous to ask me to stop sharing my feelings and shutdown my only outlet that allows me to purge things that could otherwise lead to suicide. MY MAIN ADVICE TO PEOPLE THAT DO NOT ENJOY THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG: STOP READING THIS BLOG. My family's argument is that I am being selfish by writing this blog. They believe that I am being selfish because I did not think about how the blog content would affect them. I am selfish because I didn't think about how my family might get embarrassed by their friends if their friends found out they are related to me. Basically, I posted some things from my past and my family is worried that if people start reading my blog, that they (my family) will be humiliated when people being asking them questions about my history. My family doesn't want to have their image tarnished by my past and my mistakes.
If they have regrets about what I have done, imagine how much MORE regret I have. Do you think I wanted to overdose 3 times and get hospitalized? Do you think I enjoyed working the streets in my addiction? Do you think I wanted to have every aspect of my happiness, health and well-being flushed down the toilet? I have had a rough time improving my life from its lowest point, but I HAVE IMPROVED. I am not perfect and I know that I am FAR FROM IT, but it is always best to focus on the positive and focus on the things that I CAN change. I will never be able to erase my past. I can never take back the money I spent. But what I can do is try my hardest to make a life that I am proud of. And that is what I am working on now.
Another issue I want to bring up about my family is regarding the last time the 3 of them ganged up on me for a mini-intervention. There are several issues I want to point out to y'all so you can understand what I am dealing with:
- My mom began by telling me that she doesn't like it when I tell her stories and I get 'too excited.' She told me that it makes her uncomfortable when I get enthusiastic about a story and use hand gestures and talk a little bit more rapidly. Apparently, my story telling 'scares her' and my excitation immediately means I am on drugs.
- All 3 of them believe that I am unhealthy and that my eating habits and weight are abnormal (keep in mind that I am 6 foot tall and 150 lbs with a lean athletic build). I have always had serious body image issues, so to hear them telling me that I look disgusting and that I should be eating differently really upset me and made me self-conscious about my body. What is too thin? What is the ideal weight and according to whom? How many calories should I consume? What kinds of foods would be best? My philosophy about eating is that I eat WHENEVER I am hungry and I eat WHATEVER I WANT when I am hungry. I think it's wrong when little kids are forced to 'finish their plate' before they can leave the table. NO ONE SHOULD BE FORCED/COERCED INTO EATING THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO EAT. I am sorry that they are not happy with my body, but I am happy and proud with how I look and no one will take that away from me. They also told me that my skin color is 'sickly and pale' and that I should really get some sun. Silly me... I thought we lived in a nation where we "will not be judged by the color of our skin but by the content of our character."
- My sleeping patterns and how often I am at home have also become an issue of concern for my family. I recently adjusted my weekday sleep schedule (because of constant pressure from my dad) by making sure to be home by 12:30 ATLEAST on the nights that I have 9AM class the next day. That is a reasonable request (even though I don't agree with it) so I tried it out because this is their house, their rules. After trying to compromise though, my dad told me that he believes that 12;30 is still WAY TOO LATE. I am not a morning person AT ALL, so I usually try to sleep in as long as possible before I have to leave for class. I wake up at least 30 minutes before class. Apparently they are still EXTREMELY BOTHERED by my 'irregular sleeping and waking patterns.' To quote my mom and dad, "It is NOT NORMAL for people your age to stay up so late until 2 in the morning. It is NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY for you to wake up 30 minutes before class." They honestly believe that most 20 year-olds go to bed at 10 everynight and wake up at 7 in the morning to get the day started every day. I tried to tell them that I actually have a more regular sleep pattern than most people I know my age, but they refuse to believe me and dismiss my concerns cause I'm 'probably drugged out.'
- They also make me feel guilty for not having more friends, especially friends that are completely stable and have their lives 100% completely together. They blame this on me and my behavior. Little do they know, most 20 year-olds DO NOT HAVE THEIR LIVES ON THE RIGHT PATH YET! We are still learning, growing, experiencing and shaping our futures. There is no one out there that does not have problems. I will never be able to surround myself with perfect people BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. They point out that I have never been able to keep friends for very long because of my bad attitude and my lack of morals. I have always been VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS about meeting people and getting them to like me and having a certain number of friends to fall back on... so to hear all of that really hurt my feelings and made me feel pretty damn worthless as a human being.
If you notice, none of this is constructive criticism. They are not trying to give me guidelines on my character and my values... they are not extending their hand to help me along my path... they are not offering positive/constructive solutions... all I hear is criticism of my sleep patterns, weight, skin color and ability to make friends. These things HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BETTERING OUR FAMILY DYNAMIC! They complain that I should be making more of an effort to try to rekindle things with everyone... that I need to try harder to make my sibling relationship better... well I have a way to do that! Stop the destructive criticism especially regarding material things that have no bearing on improving my life. OF COURSE I can change my sleep patterns, my weight, my skin color and the number of friends I have... but that won't make me happy or help me to sort out my emotional issues. I have been trying really hard and the effort has really paid off. I am in such a different place now than when I was at college fucking up my life. If you haven't seen any change, then you need to open your eyes and re-evaluate the situation.
I am willing to compromise and discuss issues that are important, but the key word is compromise. An attack by 3 family members isn't the most conducive environment for bettering ones self. Dialogue and compromise... that's what I propose. After that, it's in gods hands.
